Christmas in my family has always
been this double-edged sword. On one
hand it’s my Grandma’s favorite holiday of the year, and on the other hand
Christmas Day itself is where all hell usually breaks loose. It’s like this love hate relationship that
everyone’s just become accustomed to and at some point made it ok. Maybe you know what I’m talking about…
This particular year sticks out in
my mind today as I’m thinking about the past, about choices, habits, changes
and gratitude. That year I had helped my
Grandma decorate her house like I did every year. It was one of my favorite things to do and I
knew that she loved it, and loved having everything in its exact “Christmas
place”. The stockings hung on the wall
above the Christmas village, the tree strategically placed in the center of the
window so every person that drove down Fourth Street could see it. Talking and singing Christmas trees, animals
and stockings, plus light up garland hanging everywhere, and of course the
sound of the pressure cooker in the kitchen cooking the beans. That was my
favorite part.
My son was a baby; only four months
old, his dad was in prison and so was my little brother. This was Brandon’s first Christmas and a hard
one without my brother, damn. Christmas
went on, as it will. Everyone does there own thing in the morning and then
meets up at Grandma’s house mid day. We
met up and somehow over time I became the person that passed out the
presents. I was already a hot mess
walking into her house that morning. I
didn’t say a word about it. I missed my
brother and I knew he just wanted to be here with us, I had just gotten a
letter from him talking about it. I was
a new mom, just given the okay to start working out after my cesarean and barely
just begun at that point. I did not a single clue as to where I was headed in
life.
We began as normal and I attempted
to pass out the presents. Fighting
started almost immediately. Who got what and how and why and on and on, I
stopped everyone mid rip. I was pissed,
and made it abundantly clear that I was pissed and gave them some line about
how my brother just wanted to be home yet they’re here acting the way they
were. I left the room and fought the
tears, and the fighting just kept right on going as if nothing were said at
all. I went home and cried it out.
Sometimes we have to unlearn
things, have to let life, let god, let the universe or the walking lessons in
our lives (or whatever you’d like to call it) teach us differently, teach us
something new, something that unlocks a part of us that we didn’t know
existed. I had no skills back then or at
least very little, and reacted in such a manner that I was taught too, when you
feel unheard you unleash, when you feel restless there is no focus and no
control over where your energy goes so it goes everywhere.
That was about seven years
ago. I wouldn’t say that I’ve mastered
anything, as there are still days when I call back home and hang up with a knot
in my throat. What I will say is that
I’ve progressed. Today I can go back home and keep a steady flow of boundaries,
not to keep other people out but to keep myself healthy. It’s ongoing and I love being a student of
life. Even getting this far and all the
other lessons I’ve learned in the past seven years haven’t been easy nor have
they been handed to me wrapped up all nice and pretty, my choices have reflected
my learning curve.
Where does this all come together
in relation to this month, and to Christmas? Well it was right around that time
I decided I didn’t like who I was, I wanted way way way more for my son… so
much more that it will still bring me to tears right now. Then I realized that the answer is really
very simple. I’ve been looking for the solution, sometimes more intensely than
others, and that’s when I get more rapid changes and growth. When you look for the solutions and the
things that move you forward consistently you will find them. This guaranteed.
There is always always going to be
something happening. There is at any
given moment 500 plus things that could make you unleash or make you want to
lash out if you choose to let. You’re thinking I don’t know how to not
let myself be brought down, or yeah people who don’t have problems say stuff
like that. Right?!
Here’s what I do know… YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT REAL!
Everyone
has problems, it’s how we know we’re alive period. I could go home and get wrapped up in a lot
of drama, eat like crap, get off my routine, let myself feel shamed, and come
back home feeling like a piece of shit.
OR I can make consistent choice.
I can choose to take care of myself.
When I look back at the past ten
years there are certain things that stick out for me. At any given time when I’m working out
regularly my body feels good so naturally my mind will go along for the ride. It is a catalyst, take care of one and it
will impact the other, our bodies are designed this way. Is there a time you can remember yourself
feeling really good or being in the exact place you wanted to be? What were you
doing?
We all have reasons… Reasons we
can’t do things or reasons we can do things.
Take a good look at both of them.
Start where you are, and make a choice to start today with something you
can do. The last time I pulled myself back up off the floor it was by drinking
a shake every morning. A couple months went by and I started to feel good
enough to exercise again, then good enough to write, to feel empowered and now sitting
here in front of my computer passing it on to you.
Let’s get started! I’m here for you;
as a matter of fact there are tons of us who are. Why not do it today? Where are you going to
choose start?
